I have been told to write more.
- Write about everything she said, write a minimum of 3 pages a day, just write.
I like to write but for some reason writing is a difficult exercise for me. First, I am not good to follow the traditional structure of writing everyday (or several times a week). I tried many times to record my thoughts in a journal and so far nothing has been successful even my son’s adoption journal that I constantly remind myself to complete one day. I started a blog four years ago in the hope that being accountable to few readers will help me to keep up with my writing. However, after two years, my entries (already posted one time a month) drastically declined. In this perspective you can imagine my reaction when my PhD advisor suggested me to keep a journal. For me it was a lost battle. If I never kept a journal more then few weeks or months why this time would work better?
After three years in the PhD program I need to face the sad reality that I did very minimal creative writing. This situation is critical because I have chose to use writing as a method. Why? Unfortunately, for now, I can’t explain. However, for some reason, everything makes me going back to writing but I still don’t write.
I am scared. I am scared to see incomplete ideas on a piece of paper. I would like to see all my ideas write as good as they are in my head. When I think everything seem to be so natural, fluid, organize, clear. When I write everything seem confuse, partial, artificial. I understand that writing is a journey and revision allows you to make change and refinement. However, patience and perseverance are not my strongest qualities. Don’t yet me wrong I am very determinate. Determination and perseverance are not the same in my opinion. A combination of both is the best but I have notice that most of the time I am very determinate to reach a particular goal but not necessary perseverant to get it. How it possible? I am an 80 % girl. For me 80 % is easy to get and enough. I can go over 80 % but it will take me a lot more effort. Since general expectations in our society seem to be around 60-70 % (and unfortunately even lower in some situations) I am rarely expected to work above the 80 % level. Never, except in the PhD program. Now the game is different, as all effort you can put in a project seem never enough. For an 80 % girl “never enough” is a traumatizing reality, as I now have to work above what I usually expect from myself in the hope to develop a culture of perseverance, precision and patience. Working on these qualities will directly have an impact of the way I experience my identity and how others will perceive me. Accepting to work on something I am not will directly affect me, as I will allow change to happen in my life. Why being so worry about change? Change is a scary reality because you have to be open to see something different of what you are use to see. At first, what you will see will be incomplete and partial. The transformation usually occurs at a low pace (which why patience and perseverance is require to successfully complete the processes) and with time become permanent. To accept this new identity you have to let go some pieces of your old one that are so familiar (and comfortable) and wear brand new shoes that does not fit at first the shape of what you are so use to see. Why only stays the person you are if changing is a too painful reality? Good question. I hope to be able to reflect about this in a near future.